Saturday, July 16, 2011

The First 250 words...

Here's the first 250 words of my latest project Masque, a YA Dystopian novel. I have until 11:59 on July 20th to collect as much feedback as possible and submit my final 250 word beginning. Please let me know what you think! I know it's condensed, but I hope that there will still be some constructive feedback that can assist me. Here's the logline and 250 words. Thanks again!

Sarah Keith

Logline:

The Writer scripts village life. The Players perform. No matter what. Blue is summoned to join them when her sister disappears. When Blue learns the truth, can she save her sister, her friends, her world?


250:


                I knew there was something wrong with Molly. There was no other reason for Charles to be standing in my house in the middle of the night. He was a Player, they both were. They weren’t allowed in the village, except to perform. He’d invited himself in, the door wasn’t locked. None were allowed to be, by order of the Writer.
                I caught my breath and averted my eyes as my parents entered the hall. My nightgown was too short, too sheer. And Charles was far too attractive. But tonight, his eyes were sunken, his faced etched in sadness. He gave my father a crumpled note.
                “I wasn’t to open it,” Charles said. He gestured to the open seam. “I’m sorry.”
                My father nodded. He understood. We all did.
                “So she’s gone?” my father asked.
                Charles shrugged. “I don’t know anything. I thought, maybe you would know more.”
                Molly. My perfect sister. Most popular on the stage. Five years ago, before she’d joined the Writer’s Players, she’d been my best, my only friend. She hadn’t spoken to me since. I saw her every other day, on the stage by the beach. But where could she have gone?
                My mother knotted her fingers in her nightgown. “But you were so close. Surely, surely you know something.” Usually, she could have talked for hours. Now, she was frightened into silence.
                Charles turned to go. “Mr. and Mrs. Ackleman,” he said. His dark eyes met mine. “Blue.”
                I nodded and he was gone.

8 comments:

  1. Hello! I'm taking part in the contest, too. The logline was the toughest part for me. In yours if I hadn't seen your introduction I wouldn't have guessed your book is a Dystopian.

    The sample was a little confusing because I'm not sure where Blue and her family fit in to the scheme of things.

    So there's a Writer, Players and, who the rest of the people in the land are and audience?

    It's a very neat concept, though. ^_^

    I wish we could have provided a bit longer blurb to help set the scene.

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  2. Your logline confused me at first...probably because it's so different. Then I re-read and I think the concept is really interesting. The last line is what confused me the most. Perhaps because it's posed as a question.

    The excerpt drew me in until the paragraph starting with "Molly. My perfect sister." This paragraph took me out of the action and into the character's head and I wasn't quite ready for it. I was still trying to figure out what was going on.

    I hope this helps a little. Sarah xx

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  3. Oh this is going to be fun! It opens with some great tension. I have no idea what is going on, but I'm intrigued right off the go.

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  4. The paragraph about her sister no longer speaking to her confused me. Is she not allowed to speak to her family after she becomes a Player? Other than that, I enjoyed the sample.

    I do think you need to clarify the dystopian aspect in the pitch and keep it more focused on Blue because it's her story.

    I'd definitely read more.

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  5. I think that the concept of your story is really great... Seems a little like a hybrid of other Dystopian stories but not too similar in that it has a unique twist of the Writer and Players.

    I was a little confused when reading the first paragraph because the structure of the sentences were short, definite, and contained so much information. I had to read it twice to ensure I grasped the meaning of it. Maybe you could clear up the sentences in the first paragraph a little bit so that it flows more. Other than that, great job!!

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  6. I really liked your logline and am intrigued by the story.

    I was a little confused by the excerpt, but everyone's touched on those already, so my only critique is to switch around this line.

    >>>Charles shrugged. “I don’t know anything. I thought, maybe you would know more.”<<<

    to: "I don't know anything." Charles shrugged--maybe here add something about his expression, sad, anxious????--"I thought, maybe you'd know."

    Because it breaks up his thought and adds impact, I think.

    Good luck

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  7. I'm definitely confused, but also intrigued. It sounds like you have a good idea, I'm just not quite sure what it is. Based on the logline I thought everyone was a Player, but after reading the excerpt it sounds like there are only certain people picked to be Players? Clear that up a bit and focus on Blue more, and I think you'll have an awesome hook :)

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  8. I read the excerpt before the logline. From this I've gathered that Molly joined the Players and was separated from her family, but has since disappeared. Now, Blue is expected to take her place. Yes, it's a little confusing but I like the way it's written and it does follow the pitch.
    A very intriguing tale.

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